Monday, July 17, 2017

Betrayal.

I did not know it still hurts. I knew all along just how much I could not accept it. Cause nobody wins against her. Even after 3 years, I thought I can talk it out openly. Yet, I still cry alone to sleep, at night. I had a friend who betrayed me. This is a story of how I learn about choosing who to accept to be a part of my life. 

We know each other when we were thirteen. With that, we were super close; that I do not mind being called a man for her (because she has a voice like a man, so a lot of people mocked her for having a big voice with that small body). She would sleep over at my house a few times and followed me and my family back to our hometown. But for I-cant-remember-what reason, we were not in a good terms for a good few years when were fourteen and fifteen. For those two years, we did not talk at all but only speak the bad things about each other to other people. We hated each other. But I eventually, realised how unhealthy am I to only talk the negative side of people to others. When I stopped, she would still go on and on until she gave up on making me feel like the bad one again. I knew that time, it would not be easy for us to be good to each other again. 

Somehow, when we were sixteen, we started being friends because my friends are hers too.  So, because I do not want to be the bad one, I brush off the feelings and started treating her nicely. We were friends, even though, we were not as close as before. I did not expect much cause we were not on a good terms before. But I did not know just how much I could grown to trust her and accept her as a family when I was seventeen. I told my another friend, just how, I am happy to have her again as my best-friend. 

It was during our school study camp when I realised just how much she could never be a good friend to me. It was our last night there when she has my boyfriend's shirt to iron for. It was that night when I felt the worst betrayal ever in my entire life. I knew just how toxic my boyfriend is, and I needed to get rid of him. But I thought yet I could still change him in a way because somehow I was still in love.Yes, me and my boyfriend were not in a good relationship but I was somehow was not really ready to have him to break up with me. That time, we were having our biggest high school exam, when I was told that my almost 2 years boyfriend cheated on me with her. It was not just a one side thing, but both of them were together in the middle of the night hanging out at her house. I was crying the whole night, and I had her to admit the things that she does. Knowing her, I knew she was not gonna be the one to say sorry and apologised of what she did. So I was betrayed, by the person that I truly trusted. It is sad, even I can talk it out. My heart still hurts a little.  

When that happens I did not reach out to my friends, I felt honestly alone and trying to put myself together. It took me longer than I expected. But I am okay, with all the time that I have used and still needed to fully get over it. No matter how much you trust a person, it only give them the power to celebrate your downfall. And that is what she did. 

Thursday, June 1, 2017

Take me back

Im looking for signs, sign if i am still living
it feels like im reliving my days,
everyday I felt the same
when will it be mend,
pull me out of this.

Sunday, April 9, 2017

This is my promise.

I made some changes to my published posts just because I had been getting different perspective/view of what has been happening to my life. It felt like I was not telling the truth. Even though I was, at that particular moment when I published it. But not right now, when I have started re-thinking and reflecting. It almost like I have been blaming everyone and not myself, as if, it was easy for everyone else to have gone through it. Yes, I had to blame someone else to let me move on.

I was telling the truth, just not the whole truth. This day, onwards it will only be the whole truth. Not just the things that I consider as truth.

Saturday, April 8, 2017

Day 3

i couldnt wait to go back to the hellhole i used to hate going,
because i wanted to see you.
i am even spending more time infront of my closet choosing what to wear,
because i am going to see you.
i planned what am i going to say to you,
because I have been thinking of you.
its only our Day three.

Thursday, March 16, 2017

Just feelings


"It'd be great if I could tell this to just anyone"