Facing the uncertainties

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thought long and hard about the kind of person I want to be in this temporary and chaotic world. Life often feels like a constant rush — achievements, expectations, and unspoken comparisons flashing before my eyes (especially when I stay on internet for too long - I cant help it).

In the quiet moments, I found myself asking: Am I doing enough? Am I becoming the person I was meant to be?

I keep questioning myself endlessly in my mind. I am married, so should my next step be motherhood? Is that the natural path I am expected to take, or is it something my heart truly wants? Then comes the part of me tied to my work. My career feels a little stagnant lately, and I can’t help but wonder: is this just a passing phase, or a sign that I should pivot my focus entirely? Should I take this time as a chance to dream differently, to walk a new road I hadn’t considered before?

And yet, with every question I ask myself, the answers always feel incomplete. The truth is, no matter how much I analyze and plan, I will never be able to fully predict where each path will take me. That realization brings me back to the core of my faith: What is Allah trying to tell me through these uncertainties?

Maybe the stillness in my career is a nudge to slow down and reflect. 

Maybe the lingering thought of motherhood is a reminder of the gift of nurturing that lies within me. 

Or maybe, --- it’s neither. 

Maybe it’s simply Allah’s way of teaching me patience, trust, and surrender — lessons I wouldn’t learn if life was always straightforward.

In the end, the real question isn’t just about who I want to be, but who Allah is shaping me to become.

I have always been the kind of person who knows what I want and where I’m going. Most of the time, I set a goal and work hard until I get there. But this year feels different. For the first time, the path isn’t so clear. I find myself pausing, questioning, and most of the time feeling a little lost. 

This season of uncertainty has taught me something new. It’s reminding me that life isn’t always about control or planning every step. Instead, it’s about trusting Allah’s plan, even when I can’t see the full picture. 

20/09/2019

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If this post is ever going to be posted, well...this will be my first post this year. As you can already tell, when I am posting that means I am overwhelmed with emotions. Hence, why I am here sitting on this corner, at the side of my bed in the so happened to be loneliest room of the entire world writing this.

When I was going through depression back then, it was really hard for me to come out. I hid that side of me away from the world. I shut myself out. I am okay, I let them believe that I am fine, cause that is what I want them to see. That I am a fine person. But you know this story already. Three years later, you knew I was out of it. What you didnt know.....ever since, I will have a bad mental breakdown series, so here's what happened last friday, 20th September 2019.

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That night just like any other night my boyfriend and I, planned to go out for dinner. On most night, I felt happy, however...that day, I was numb. We did not talk all the way to the dinner place and back, I got scared. My mind started hitting me with all the negative feelings. At around 10pm, after my boyfriend dropped me off from dinner. My mind went shut, and suddenly, I could not see what is infront of me. My eyes were blurry and my heart was beating fast, too fast, I can hardly breathe. I started crying; I was sitting down inbetween cars at my porch, crying and hugging my body. My whole body was aching so badly, I wanted to rip my heart out of my skin.

Thats when I started thinking to hurt myself. The thoughts were bad cause I was hurt. I felt hurt. Suddenly I got cold. It felt so cold that night, the next thing I know I was already lying on the floor shivering in cold. That time, even breathing hurts alot. I wanted to die. I wanted to die so badly, I called up a friend. My boyfrined was mad at me, for giving him an attitude. In fact, I dont blame him, I was. I was quiet the whole time when we were out. My friend asked to go inside my house, but I could not walk myself in. There were too many people and I did not want them to see me. With all of this going on, I call it off with boyfriend. I knew that, that would hurt me even more. But I wanted that, I want to hurt myself. A part of me felt like I deserved that, I deserve to get hurt and be hurt. That night, that was it. I was hurting myself and I wanted that. 

So, I went and drive away to sanity cause it felt like I did not have any. Later, my boyfriend called up to get me to come back. I know I could not, I needed this. He insisted to come to me. I got mad cause I did not want him to come near me. I want him away. I pushed him away, cause I wanted that; to hurt me more. But he came. He came at me. He calmed me down and say the right words that I needed to know. He is not as good at comforting with words, but being his arms has helped calm me down. So that happened. On this friday night, while everyone at my age out partying and having fun, I, again, wanted to die. 

I still could not figure out what has triggered it. However lately, I have been blaming myself alot. I pushed myself too hard this time. I blamed myself for the things that should not matter. Now that I am sane and awake, I should learn to let go of the things that I have no control of. 

This is my promise.

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I made some changes to my published posts just because I had been getting different perspective/view of what has been happening to my life. It felt like I was not telling the truth. Even though I was, at that particular moment when I published it. But not right now, when I have started re-thinking and reflecting. It almost like I have been blaming everyone and not myself, as if, it was easy for everyone else to have gone through it. Yes, I had to blame someone else to let me move on.

I was telling the truth, just not the whole truth. This day, onwards it will only be the whole truth. Not just the things that I consider as truth.

#3

We were like fantasy,
In love like no one can beat,
I used to sneak out at 3,
To be with you; stargazing,
You never really liked to do all this,
But you appreciate I'm willing to do all the bad things,
And I still thought you were amazing,
Until I realize, no good ever come to me.